I Cogitate

Quick opening question: Bernie, how could you ever break away from the arms and uhhh...other parts of your various paramours to secure our homeland?

So, what exactly are the 'positives' that the lamented Bernard Kerik would have brought to the position of Director of Homeland Security?

• COMMITMENT- he vanished like a cheap cologne from his interim Minister of Interior and Senior Policy Advisor positions overseeing training of the fledgling police force in Iraq --- but look at it this way: it got him out of his 'humble' New Jersey abode while it was being 'upgraded. However, his stateside return date sure seems to serendipitously coincide with the remodel conclusion. Hmmm...

• EFFICIENT - his pledge to train Iraqi police, "I will be there six months," was halved, apparently due to the swift development of a juggernaut Iraqi police force.

• TIME MANAGEMENT - he judiciously juggled two 'sides dishes' while keeping his main 'entree' occupied and unaware, all in little ol' Manhattan at that!

• ENTERPRISING-  he never missed an opportunity to make a buck, often many bucks, from his various connections developed during his stint as Rudolph Guiliani's bodyguard and as the 40th Police Commissioner of New York City.

• I'M A BIG PICTURE GUY - paying Social Security and Medicare taxes on his domestic just never quite made it to the very top of his 'To-Do' list , as didn't checking on her legal immigrant status.

• THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX - he paid a fine of $2,500 after assigning active-duty officers to aid in researching his autobiography.

PRIORITY-SETTING - upon the theft of his publisher's cell phone and necklace, this Prince of the City assigned homicide detectives to ferret out the bad guys.

Chalk up another no-fault 'gut' hiring decision by President George Bush. Like the Vlad Test where W looked into the eyes of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and found a 'good soul,' W must have taken a gander and viewed yet another soulmate in Kerik. 

There's no word if plans remain in effect for Miramax Films' to turn its 2003 purchase of rights to Kerik's autobiography into a movie but Harvey Weinstein, or someone who looks very similar, was seen wailing that his only luck is bad luck on a mid-town Manhattan street.

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