I Cogitate
| Recent Posts | My Best Blogs | Archives | Favorite Quotes | Links | Contact |
A Typical FAUX NEWS Broadcast (all snark intended)
Interchangeable maker-up of news: Thank you for watching. We close this edition of FOX NEWS, with updates on the shows you don't want to miss later tonight on this, America's channel. Let's start with Harold Riviera. Harold, what do you have tonight?
Harold: Thanks, interchangeable maker-up of news There is a mass murderer on the loose, looking for his next victim. It could be you. Yes, you may be next. We will show you the grieving families of those who have been so brutally taken from this world, test out some of the weapons that experts say have been utilized by this creep, take you to the blood-filled scene of one of the crimes and, of course, provide you with countless closeups of my women-swooning moustache. Okay, on to Sean Insanity. Whaaasssuuup Sean?
Sean: In another riveting edition of 'We Decide, You Support' I will force Alan Holmes to fall to his knees and beg for his life unless he admits to being the pinko jihadist that we all suspect. If that isn't enough for you, we'll we here at FOX will provide a sneak peek of my network exclusive: "Waterboarding With Sean." Don't miss it. If we can't get enough of the scum-that-still-call-themselves-liberals to Guantanamo, we bring Guantanamo here. Now, over to Dill O'Biley. What you got coming up Dill-o? That is, more than what usually comes up, heh heh, if you know what I mean.
Dill: Now Sean, I can take you out in 10 seconds flat.You'll be wetting your pants and pleading for your mother by the time I'm done with you. In fact, some women I have 'entertained' have done just that. I am a most manly man. I'm in shape, great shape. Stewardesses around this world will attest to that. So, you shut up and now, you hear me?
Sean: Stand down with that loofah Dilly. We're on the same side, remember? Dinner's on me tonight after we're done. I've heard the cuisine at the Falafel Hut is quite, er, stimulating.
(breaking in) Interchangeable maker-up of news: Hold on guys. This just in. President Bush's throat was attacked tonight by a devious tortilla chip. He went to the mat with it but, of course, emerged victorious. The Pentagon says that after the most information-yielding interrogation session yet conducted, the nefarious chip, probably the #3 chip in Al-Queda, was taken outside and blown to bits on the White House lawn. An unnamed source has told FOX NEWS that, because of the information gained, the FBI has surrounded a chip terrorist cell in a D.C. house apparently owned by a Valerie and Joe Wilson. Anyone know 'em?
Karla Camera: As Fox's White House reporter, I have it on good authority that Valerie, rhymes with flame, game and no doubt shame, goes to the same manicurist as Monsieur Frenchie John Kerry. In certain light, said manicurist sure looks swarthy, kinda Middle Eastern. You know, some say they could all be part of an terrorist cabal.
Sean: I have an unnamed White House source under my desk telling me, no wait, actually it's in the this evening's White House talking points memo, that it's a slam dunk one Valerie, rhymes with flame, game and absolutely dame, is a undercover agent for the Company. But, and this is a very important point, it doesn't say what company she works for. I guess that ends that then.
Dill: Then I am the man to secretly check this out. Nobody at FOX is better under covers than I am. In my possession are certificates of appreciation that will attest to such. In bold black lettering, they say Dill O'Biley is quite a dick. So...
Zeal: (breaking in) Boys, Zeal Caputo here. Just this very moment, I have acquired videotape of various Democratic consigliares coming and going from this very flame, game and certainly fair game house. It appears that we could be dealing with a plot at the highest levels. We warned the people of America that a vote for any Democrat is a vote for terrorists and now, it has come true. Our noble president came close to falling victim to a nefarious tortilla chip because the Democrats won't let the patriots of the United States seal our borders. What could be next? You people out there, look real, real close at your salsa. Interrogate it if you must.
Harold: Let's not stop with just salsa. That would be a dereliction of duty. Just what else out there might kill you? Tune in tomorrow as I will detail 18 possible sources of torturous, pain-laden, throes-of-agony suffering that will have you looking like a body fluid emitting, pus-filled water balloon.
Codger Fails: As your estimable leader, I want to say to our viewers, only on FAUX!
top
RSS feed
| Recent Posts | My Best Blogs | Archives | Favorite Quotes | Links | Contact |