I Cogitate

 "I don't know why President Bush can't leak us information that we can actually use, like tell us when Dick Cheney is going hunting again."--Jay Leno

"He was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy."--David Letterman, on Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener

"President Bush is 59 years old. He's the same age as I am. And he gets up two or three times a night to leak classified documents."--David Letterman

"Today an intruder made it on the White House Lawn. We want to build a fence along the entire Mexican border? We can't keep people out of the White House. This guy got close, but he couldn't get in to the White House. So they believe he's probably a Democrat."--David Letterman

"He said he wants to spend more time laundering with his family."--David Letterman, on Tom DeLay's resignation

 "Tom DeLay stepped down from Congress. He said he wants to spend more time in prison. Yesterday he quoted Martin Luther King, 'free at last, free at last.' I think it's great that Tom is so into the black experience, because in prison he's going to be experiencing a lot of it."--Bill Maher

"In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count  New Orleans."--Jay Leno

"Both Jack Abramoff and Monica Lewinsky went to Beverly Hills High School. Ironically, they both went on to embarrass presidents with scandals about the same thing: getting something under the table."--Jay Leno

"President Bush, this is what he said. He said he's not worried about his approval rating at 33% because he said he promises to reverse those numbers. Now I'm not a mathematician, but if you take 33 and reverse it, isn't it still 33?"-- Jay Leno

 "Did you folks see 'The Sopranos' last night? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode. Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA"--David Letterman

A few of Bill Maher's New Rules:

New Rule: You can't go out and play until you finish your war. President Bush kicked off another baseball season with a high, inside ceremonial first pitch. Come to think of it, the president's pitching style is a lot like what he's exhibited in Iraq: a lot of balls, with no real plan to get anybody out.

...Ah, yes, whatever happened to that plucky little cult, Christianity? Oh, that's right, they're 80% of the American people, and have taken over all three branches of government, country music, public schools, the bestseller list, and until recently, Katie Holmes. You know, Christians, I don't mind that you're part of a dress-up cult that hates sex and worships magic but the paranoia, that does scare me...

...And the worst part is, the people bitching loudest about being persecuted for their Christianity aren't Christians at all. They're demagogues and conmen and scolds. And the only thing they worship is power. If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

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