I Cogitate
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Jesus Snared In Middle East Plot
The Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the FBI and CIA, today announced the apprehension of the #2 man in a world-wide cabal best known for promoting revolutionary change.
According to lead agent P. Pilot, Jesus (Fishman) Christ, aka Jeezy de Nazareth, was rounded up in a pre-dawn raid on the Bethlehem Manger, as officers closed in aided by a particularly bright star.
It is not known when Christ first appeared on the radar of U.S. intelligence agencies, but his well-documented meeting with three wiseguys who were known to transport gold, frankincense and myrrh in aiding radical causes, raised a red flag for intelligence analysts.
Readers of this journal will also recall that Christ was fingered as the lead saboteur in last year's demonstration and resulting riot at The Moneylender's Temple in the financial district. Nobody was harmed in the fracas but the moneymarkets were left in disarray and interest rates soared to their highest point of the year the next day. Christ was somehow able to disappear before local centurions, arriving in their chariots, could secure the area.
Wanted posters were plastered throughout the area in the following weeks but the 'be-on-the-lookout for a guy with swarthy skin, a scraggly beard and long hair' proved too inconclusive. However, those loyal citizens interested in collecting the reward were seen hog-tieing and dragging friends and neighbors to the local police outposts in an effort to cash in.
The posters also contained information about Christ's affinity for lurking around the store windows of high-end wooden furniture boutiques, IKEA in particular.
Christ was also known to hang with the ne'er-do-wells, healing the afflicted and the infirm. He previously served time and was on probation for practicing medicine without a license.
The intelligence agencies noted that he has traveled extensively under the auspices as a representative of 'The Big Guy' but they refused to issue a picture or any corresponding information regarding'The Big Guy, stating that "doing so would be detrimental to national defense." They did say that The Big Guy should be considered armed and dangerous as it is known he has a bad temper and a history of threatening to blow everyone and everything to kingdom come.
A source in the intelligence sector, requesting to remain off the record, added that agents are hot on the trail of two of Christ's cohorts, Peter and Paul, who it is believed are using their traveling confectionary business as cover for their real revolutionary deeds.
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