I Cogitate
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Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans & Al Queda?
As the Bush Administration and the usual band of cronies, whores and fibulators (my new most favorite made-up word) continue with spot-on imitations of the "Saturday Night Live" Jon Lovitz/Tommy Flanagan pathological liar character, expect the following Hurricane Katrina-created apparitions to pop up on a television screen near you:
Fat Robertdaughter: The Lord sent us a miracle...a blessed miracle named Katrina. This will finally put an end to all that godless voodoo and heathen titty flashing...by the way, we're having a sale today, African diamonds half off if you call within 30 minutes...what's that number my #1 Stepen Fetchit flunky...
Sick Chainey: If John Kerry was president, he would have been windsurfing Katrina while the levees were failing.
Tush Limbaw: I knew New Orleans very intimately and I'm gonna miss it. Hey, I got some of my best shit ever from Scruffy down near the 17th Street levee. Mindblowing stuff.
Shell Malkin: Those cretins who didn't heed the warnings and depart New Orleans before the storm hit should be rounded up and interned...What's that?...You say most are dead. Then...then inter them at the very least. Can't let them get away with such foolishness without paying some price.
Dot McClellan: No, I will not sing The Name Game. No, not gonna happen...don't even try, next question. You heard me, I said I wouldn't engage in any finger pointing or the name game because we're rightfully and righteously focusing on rebuilding...I SAID no, what part of no don't you understand?...next...oh shit, is that all I'm going to be asked about?...Okay, okay, I'll do it, but just this once and do not ask again...Bushie, Bushie bo sushi Bonana fanna fo Fushie, Fee fy mo Mushy, Bushie
Zan Colter: Is it really true that Mayor Ray Nagin and Governor Kathleen Bianco have a not-so-secret love child? That they were affairing it at the very moment the storm hit and that is why the city and state were so unprepared? Just asking. Hey, you think that's enough to get me another TIME cover shot?
Jonass Bronzeberg: We patriots are ready to do our part to aid in the recovery and rebuilding of our country. Chickenhawks no longer, we have established outposts at every Hooter's within 150 miles of New Orleans and we will scrupulously monitor and maintain cleavage standards. It's the least we could do.
Fill O'Meilly: Jesus...why didn't any of those idiots think to string together a bunch of loofahs and use them as a life raft? Am I the only one with such loofah expertise?
Arnold Dumsfeld: We have very credible reports, three separate sightings from our top collaborators Curveball, Screwball and Knucklehead, that Osama ben Laden was living large in The French Quarter. We were ready to close in on him when Al Queda operatives blew up the ocean, creating these enormous waves and allowing Osama to float away just out of our grasp. We're now on the lookout for a tall, Middle Eastern type, very pruny-looking by now is the best estimate of our national intelligence agencies. Right now, he's probably paddling an air mattress and blending in very well with the residents of the Gulf Coast. But we will be ever vigilant. The hunt continues.
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