I Cogitate
| Recent Posts | My Best Blogs | Archives | Favorite Quotes | Links | Contact |
Magnamimous Bill O'Reilly, Rush (God Or Vicodin, The Choice Is Easy) Limbaugh & FOX NEWS Back
Who says Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh aren't great Americans?
From FAUX NEWS:
"Bill O'Reilly, in between bites of a spicy falafel, announced today he has donated an entire warehouse of loofahs to our troops in Iraq. O'Reilly was mum on how he acquired so many skin-scrubbers but also adamantly offered to 'do his patriotic duty' to any female soldier stationed in Iraq by, well, in his own words:
"You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm -- it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs..."O'Reilly even offered to 'scrub' four soldiers at once, calling it his version of 'fiveplay,' stating:
"that is the least I could do to support the war on terrorism."Further demonstrating his generosity, O'Reilly announced he will also distribute cell phones to all lonely female G.I.'s. FAUX NEWS got ahold of one of the phones and, although it could be our lack of technical expertise, the phones apparently were pre-programmed to connect to only one phone number: 1-BILLISHUNG.
Rush Limbaugh, not to be outdone, has also announced he will ship pain medication supplies to any and all soldiers stationed in the Middle East who provide him with the name of their own physician. Limbaugh has already lined up and loaded two ocean tankers with part of his 'stash' but Miami port authorities indicated he needed at least three more vessels as the original two were dangerously weighed down to the waterline. Big-hearted Rush also stated:
"There's plenty more where that stuff came from."And do not fret, FAUX NEWS has returned! That nasty little outage this morning that resulted in those of you tuning in to blank television screens was caused by the White House daily talking points memo being viciously hijacked before its arrival to our D.C. super station. As you can imagine, the theft left our topnotch, professional, well-trained, highly-skilled, ace staff in such shock that it took longer than expected to recover and get back on the air. And good person that he is, Rush Limbaugh, once he heard of our staff's plight, also offered to drive up a trunkful of 'goodies' to soften the blow.
The FBI has been notified, as some say it must have either been the work of Al-Queda or possibly other terrorists. The whereabouts of Hillary Clinton during the theft is being determined. Esteemed journalist Jeff Gannon has volunteered his services in getting to the 'bottom' of this story.
top
RSS feed
| Recent Posts | My Best Blogs | Archives | Favorite Quotes | Links | Contact |