I Cogitate
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Ah, one less thing to fret about
Haggard now "completely heterosexual"
Eric Gorski
Denver Post
Feb 6, 2007
The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser...
...Haggard, 50, resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and was fired from the church he built from nothing into a 14,000-member congregation after a former male prostitute in Denver alleged a three-year cash-for-sex relationship.
Haggard admitted to "sexual immorality" and a long battle against feelings contrary to his beliefs. He admitted buying methamphetamine but said he never used it...
...three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.
"He is completely heterosexual...that is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."
Why Haggard chose to act out in that manner is something Haggard and his advisers are trying to discern...
Well, well, well. One can only surmise that Haggard was 'tested' by being hooked up to the hetero-mometer and he passed with testosterone streaming out of his nose, ears and, ahem, a few other places. This, of course, made him absoloutely cocksure that 'I didn't have sexual relations with that...guy."
Various reports had Haggard doggedly-style stating that 'it was all make-believe in my mind and definitely not a 24/7 thing so, you know, it doesn't count. It's only fornication if you utilize gaydar and since I have no ability to do so, therefore, I am not now nor have I ever been an MSMer. Really, not once have I manscaped. From top to bottom, I'm clear.'
He supposedly added, "my past is so yestergay, oops.'
One report noted that Haggard was soon to star in the latest FOX reality show, "Macho Guy For The Mucho Guy" where he would attempt healing by 'laying hands' on any contestants plagued by a compulsion to sing showtunes.
Haggard has also been advised to move to a very small, wayward town so as to avoid being inflicted with the latest menace, the metrosexual bug.
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