I Cogitate

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November 1, 2004

I Kid You Not

Well, Parade Magazine just came out with a list of the world's ten worst dictators. The dishonor roll (drum roll) is:
  • Kim Jong II of North Korea
  • Than Shwe of Burma
  • Hu Jintao of China
  • Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe
  • Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia
  • Teodoro Obiang Nguema of Equatorial Guinea
  • Omar Al-Bashir of Sudan
  • Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan
  • Fidel Castro of Cuba
  • King Mswati III of Swaziland
This has left the entire world to wonder if United States President George Bush, Vice President Richard Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz and other neo-conservatives such as Richard Perle, are rattling their toy sabers and readying our troops for invasion into these ten badlands.

Can't these ten evildoers hear the democracy train coming down the track!

Of course, our particular democratic locomotive seems to run better on oil, so some, despite inclusion on this list, may be able to ignore the threat of any consequences.

Well, rest assured all is under control and no invasions have been pre-planned.

Through the re-activation of the late Richard Nixon's taping system and lax White House security (it's amazing what carrying around a well-thumbed copy of The National Review and a few 'I'm with Rummy" asides can do for entry into seemingly the most secure places), I have achieved embedment and been able to record President Bush pontificating on these concerns of great urgency.

So, for the first time, presented fairly balanced, are his reflections on:
  • North Korea's Kim Jong II: "blockade shoe lift imports and pompadour gel--now!";
  • Burma's Than Shwe: "didn't I have that for dinner last night?";
  • China's Hu Jintao: "three words--gigantic emerging market";
  • Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe: "let the poodle, er, Blair, handle him";
  • Saidi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah: "leaded, unleaded and diesel";
  • Equitorial Guinea's Teodoro Obiang Nguema: "Didn't I sign him when I owned the Texas Rangers?";
  • Sudan's Omar Al-Bashir: "send Mike Tyson after him...his children...his dog...his soul";
  • Turkmenistan's Saparmurat Niyazov: "got to be a weightlifter on steroids, get me Ashcroft on line one";
  • Cuba's Fidel Castro: "he's still alive--oh, right, that was Franco";
  • Swaziland's King Mswati III: "World Wrestling Federation villain, right?"
We will keep you updated on any change in these perilous standoffs.

Be sure to check in next week when fable-meister Ahmed Chalabi will be presenting irrefutable documentation that D.B. Cooper and the Yeti have obtained a marriage license in Seattle and are close to producing their own weapon of mass destruction.

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