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Lyrics from WITCH ONE (Episode 62)
by John P. McCann

Parodies of songs from Disney's Beauty and the Beast

The Judge (parody of Belle)
Music by Julie Bernstein.

Judge   : Good day, Sykes
          Let's go hunt for witches
          Dig them out
          Of their secret niches
          They could be cats or people
          Which is up to me to say.
          Good day!
          Good day!
          Good day!

Baker   : The judge is happy when he hunts for a witch
Wife    : He couldn't find one in a ditch
Shepherd: But if he thinks that you're a witch
Baker   : He'll burn you up with pitch
BW+S    : A dangerous jerk, the judge.

Judge   : (spoken) Good morning, Witch!
Hazel   : Err, me?
Judge   : No, you old wombat -- the shopkeeper!
(Witch Hazel walks away, whistling nonchalantly)
Keeper  : But, judge, you know me! I'm no witch!
Judge   : I know you're holding a broomstick, and only witches
          have broomsticks!  Lougal, Taylor! Arrest him!

BW+S    : So long, shopkeeper! Taking him was all wrong
          We'll be accused before too long
Baker   : Before the judge is done with that
Shepherd: He'll arrest a kitty cat
Judge   : Cats are spirits of the Evil One
BW+S    : Salem's really not much fun
          We got troubles by the ton
          From the judge!

There's Nothing Quite Like a Cat (parody of Gaston)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Rita : Who can hunt like a cat?
       Not a dog or a bat
       Who can stalk a big bird
       Or a rat like a cat?
       Other creatures, they're half as cunning
       Slick as a greased-up snake
       Go and watch any wolf or coyote
       They can't find fish knee-deep in a lake.

Judge: Who hunts cats like the judge?
       Witches' spawn, like the judge?
       Those tools of the devil
       Kitty cats, like the judge?
Rita : Who hunts like a cat?
Judge: I hunt down all cats!
Rita : We're keen so that's that
Judge: I hate them like rats!
Rita : There's nothing quite like...
R+J  : ...a cat!

Still There's Me and You (parody of Beauty and the Beast)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Rita : So long, Salem, Mass.
       Time to say bye-bye
       I almost got drowned
       Chased right out of town
       Boy, did my fur fly.
       Boston, here we come
       Home of beans and tea
       Maybe they need pets
       Don't take any bets
       Still, there's you and me.
Runt : (spoken) That sure was pretty, Rita. I hope we don't get sued.
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell

Lyrics from THE WARNERS' 65th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL (Episode 65)
Musical score by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.

Music by Richard Stone and Paul Rugg.

Liza   : For 65 years we've laughed at their mayhem
         Here are the words we use to explain them:

(singer/dancers join Liza)
Yakko: (spoken at table) Uh oh. I was afraid of this.
Singers: Silly, bizarre, loony, mad, and kooky
         Crazy, wigged out, giddy, bad, and goofy
         Yakko, Wakko and Dot
         They're hip; they're cool; they're hot.

(YW+D hurl)
Singers: They're Warners
         Fabulous Warners
         Wonderful Warners
         Look out; the Warners are back!
(Singers drop Liza. Crowd applauds.)
Yakko: These people would clap at anything.
(Wakko gets an idea and climbs on table)
Wakko: Hey, everybody! Wanna hear me play Yankee Doodle with my armpits?
(Silence, apart from crickets)
Yakko: Ehhh, almost anything.
Singers: Yes, the Warners are back
         They're really the most
         Now here he is
         Our fabulous host!

Buddy's Song
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Buddy: I'm a-frolickin' in the outback
       Just as chipper as I can be
       Got no cares and got no worries
       I'm happy Outback Buddy!
YW&D : Shh! (WHAM!) We smashed Outback Buddy!
YW&D : (WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!) We smashed Postman Buddy!
Make a Gookie (parody of Feelin' Groovy)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Wakko: Be cool and smell a flower
       Make love, not war, and shower
       Kiss the world, and be groovy
       Go ahead and make a Gookie!
Y+D  : Ba da ba da ba da ba
       Make a Gookie
YW+D : Ba da ba da ba da ba
       Make a Gookie!
Hurtin' Our Feet (parody of Stayin' Alive)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Disco: Ow, ow, ow, ow
       Hurtin' our feet
       Hurtin' our feet
       Ow, ow, ow, ow
       Hurtin' our feet!
       It should be clear by the types of clothes we choose
       We're disco kids with disco shoes
       They may be cool; they may look neat
       But wearing 'em sure hurts our feet
       Ow, ow, ow, ow
       Hurtin' our feet!
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell, "The Mystic Mongoose" and Michael Jason Lewis

Lyrics from TAKE MY SIBLINGS, PLEASE (Episode 66)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.

The Hunk From Upumema (parody of The Girl From Ipanema)

Dot: Tall and dark and really handsome
     The hunk from Upumema's real dumb
     And when he strolls, each one he strolls by goes
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell

Lyrics from PIGEON ON THE ROOF (Episode 67)
Musical score by Steve Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Deanna Oliver.

Scorsese (parody of Traditions)

Squit : As far back as I can remember, the Goodfeathers had the
        best perch in the neighborhood, because we perched on
        the statue of the greatest filmmaker in the world --

GoodFs: Scorsese...
[joined by the Girlfeathers; all repeat the verse]

Squit : (spoken) Without the statue of Scorsese, our lives would be
        as slippery as ... a Pigeon on the Roof!

[In silhouette, Pesto dances on a chimney, slips and falls in.]

Egg-hatcher, Egg-hatcher (parody of Matchmaker, Matchmaker)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Sasha : This is the deal, Goodfeathers: We decided we wanna get
        married and be egg-hatchers.
Pesto : You wanna be an egg-hatcher?
Kiki  : Uh huh -- an egg-hatcher.

Kiki  : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
        I wanna be
        Perched on a nest
        So feathery.
Lana  : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
        I'm in the mood
        To sit on on my tush
        And brood.

Kiki  : Oh, Pesto
        Ask me to marry.
Lana  : Oh, Bobby
        Say the word and we're wed.
Sasha : Oh, Squit
        Coo! (whack!) Make a commitment.
        I want to be married before I'm dead.

GirlFs: Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
        Don't wanna date
        'Cause marriage is best
        Build us a nest
        Don't make us wait
        We want eggs to incubate.
GoodFs: Aaaaaagh!!! (they run away)

If I Were the Godpigeon (parody of If I Were a Rich Man)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Pesto : A beakful of sand is not comical -- is that comical?
Bobby : The Godpigeon thinks it's amusing; it's amusing -- ya know
        what I'm sayin'?
Squit : That's one of the advantages of being Godpigeon, Pesto.
[He and Bobby leave.]
Pesto : Coo... I wish I was the Godpigeon.

Pesto : If I were the Godpigeon
        Cooey cooey cooey fettucini cream sauce parmesan!
        All the time I'd "Huhyughyughi!"
        If I were the Godpigeon! Ba da bing!
        Birds would kiss my toesies
        Schmooey schmooey schmooey mustaccioli Vito Corleone!
        Lord, show them I wasn't born to lose
        Make me boss of all them pigie-poos
        I'd make offers no one can refuse
        If I were the Godpigeon! Yeah!

Pesto : (spoken) Maybe I'll do a little COO d'etat and take over the flock.

Coo Coo Quack (parody of Mazel Tov)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Pesto  : I had a dream, and you were there, and YOU were there!
Bobby  : Alright already, Toto; tell us the dream.
Pesto  : OK OK OK OK OK OK. It started when I was perched out on a graveyard.

Zombies: A feather on your head
         Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!
         We are the grateful dead
         Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!
         We feathered up a nest
         For our distinguished guest
         Hello, Godpigeon Pesto.
[The zombie birds kiss Pesto's feet.]
GoodFs : *"Godpigeon"?*

Squit  : You got it all wrong, zombies
Bobby  : He's just Pesto
Squit  : He's not Godpigeon, zombies
Pesto  : Although someday I hope to be.
[The Godpigeon comes forth from his grave, a zombie.]
GodP   : *Cooooo! Bauuugh!*
GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!*

GodP   : Umazeh booeyai!
Zombies: He says "You croaked me!"
GodP   : Ahjehbahchaiheyah!
Zombies: He says he's angry! (quack!)
GodP   : *Cooooo!*
GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!* (thud!)

Sasha, Squit (parody of Sunrise, Sunset)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Squit: Coo coo kachoo, Mrs Robinson.
Sasha: What do you mean by that?
Squit: Nothin'.  Ahem.  I want to tell you something.

Squit: Sasha...
Sasha: Squit...
Squit: Sasha...
Sasha: Squit...
Squit: Time to get engaged.
S+S  : We'll share a roost
       And hatch a fam'ly
Squit: Even though you are middle-aged.

Sasha: (spoken) THAT'S IT! Are you sayin' I'm old? [thwack!]
       Is that what you're sayin'? [thwack!]
Squit: Ow! Ow! [oof!] Hey! Sasha! I'm not sayin' that! [oof!]
Sasha: I'll giva ya old! [thwack!] Upside the head! [thwack!]
       Scungili! [thwack!] ...
Squit: What a relationship! [oof!] Come on! [oof!] ...
Do You Want Me? (parody of Do You Love Me?)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Bobby: Looks like everybody's getting hooked up around here.
Lana : Yeah...
Bobby: Erm... Oh, Lana...

Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Do I -- huh?
Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Do I want him?
       The truth of it is
       He's mortified
       To say "I love you
       Be my bride
       I need you by my side"
Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Oh it's up to you.
Bobby: Then ba da bing bip bip ba doo!
B+L  : OK, so we're betrothed
       It's no big coo.
       But the truth of it is
       I do want you.

Regis Philbin (parody of Anatevka)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
(the statue of Martin Scorsese has been replaced by another statue)

Bobby : The Godpigeon says that it is a statue of Regis Philbin.
Pesto : There is no way I am gonna sit on Regis Philbin's head!
[The others mutter in accord.]

All   : Regis Philbin
        Regis Philbin
        On TV
        With Kathie Lee
        Regis Philbin
GirlFs: We will not perch
        On that big goof.

All   : Regis Philbin
        Regis Philbin
        That bigshot
        Screams a lot
        Regis Philbin
Pesto : I'd rather be a
All   : Pigeon on the Roof!
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell

COO (Episode 67)
Music by Richard Stone.
Lyrics by Deanna Oliver.

Parody of Cool from West Side Story

Pesto: Would someone please explain what that was all about?
       That had to be the most confusing, mixed-up, cockamamie script
       I've ever read in my entire beakin' life! [Afazoul!?]
Bobby: 'ey, 'o! Coo! Pesto! 'o! Coo down, bird!

Bobby: Bird, bird
       Crazy bird
       Stay coo
       Beak it
       Buzz it
       Does it.
       Turn off the juice
       Go, bird, go!
       But not like a dodo.
       Coo, bird!
       Play it coo, bird.
       Real coo.
Pesto: Coo!
       Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh ...
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell

See also: West Side Pigeons

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