Lyrics from WITCH ONE (Episode 62)
by John P. McCann
Parodies of songs from Disney's Beauty and the Beast
The Judge (parody of Belle)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Judge : Good day, Sykes Let's go hunt for witches Dig them out Of their secret niches They could be cats or people Which is up to me to say. Good day! Good day! Good day! Baker : The judge is happy when he hunts for a witch Wife : He couldn't find one in a ditch Shepherd: But if he thinks that you're a witch Baker : He'll burn you up with pitch BW+S : A dangerous jerk, the judge. Judge : (spoken) Good morning, Witch! Hazel : Err, me? Judge : No, you old wombat -- the shopkeeper! (Witch Hazel walks away, whistling nonchalantly) Keeper : But, judge, you know me! I'm no witch! Judge : I know you're holding a broomstick, and only witches have broomsticks! Lougal, Taylor! Arrest him! BW+S : So long, shopkeeper! Taking him was all wrong We'll be accused before too long Baker : Before the judge is done with that Shepherd: He'll arrest a kitty cat Judge : Cats are spirits of the Evil One BW+S : Salem's really not much fun We got troubles by the ton From the judge! ---There's Nothing Quite Like a Cat (parody of Gaston)
Rita : Who can hunt like a cat? Not a dog or a bat Who can stalk a big bird Or a rat like a cat? Other creatures, they're half as cunning Slick as a greased-up snake Go and watch any wolf or coyote They can't find fish knee-deep in a lake. Judge: Who hunts cats like the judge? Witches' spawn, like the judge? Those tools of the devil Kitty cats, like the judge? Rita : Who hunts like a cat? Judge: I hunt down all cats! Rita : We're keen so that's that Judge: I hate them like rats! Rita : There's nothing quite like... R+J : ...a cat! ---Still There's Me and You (parody of Beauty and the Beast)
Rita : So long, Salem, Mass. Time to say bye-bye I almost got drowned Chased right out of town Boy, did my fur fly. Boston, here we come Home of beans and tea Maybe they need pets Don't take any bets Still, there's you and me. Runt : (spoken) That sure was pretty, Rita. I hope we don't get sued.Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
Lyrics from THE WARNERS' 65th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL (Episode 65)
Musical score by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.
Music by Richard Stone and Paul Rugg.
Liza : For 65 years we've laughed at their mayhem Here are the words we use to explain them: (singer/dancers join Liza) Yakko: (spoken at table) Uh oh. I was afraid of this. Singers: Silly, bizarre, loony, mad, and kooky Crazy, wigged out, giddy, bad, and goofy Yakko, Wakko and Dot They're hip; they're cool; they're hot. (YW+D hurl) Singers: They're Warners Fabulous Warners Wonderful Warners Look out; the Warners are back! (Singers drop Liza. Crowd applauds.) Yakko: These people would clap at anything. (Wakko gets an idea and climbs on table) Wakko: Hey, everybody! Wanna hear me play Yankee Doodle with my armpits? (Silence, apart from crickets) Yakko: Ehhh, almost anything. Singers: Yes, the Warners are back They're really the most Now here he is Our fabulous host! ---Buddy's Song
Buddy: I'm a-frolickin' in the outback Just as chipper as I can be Got no cares and got no worries I'm happy Outback Buddy! [later] ... YW&D : Shh! (WHAM!) We smashed Outback Buddy! [later] ... YW&D : (WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!) We smashed Postman Buddy! ---Make a Gookie (parody of Feelin' Groovy)
Wakko: Be cool and smell a flower Make love, not war, and shower Kiss the world, and be groovy Go ahead and make a Gookie! Y+D : Ba da ba da ba da ba Make a Gookie YW+D : Ba da ba da ba da ba Make a Gookie! ---Hurtin' Our Feet (parody of Stayin' Alive)
Disco: Ow, ow, ow, ow Hurtin' our feet Hurtin' our feet Ow, ow, ow, ow Hurtin' our feet! It should be clear by the types of clothes we choose We're disco kids with disco shoes They may be cool; they may look neat But wearing 'em sure hurts our feet Ow, ow, ow, ow Hurtin' our feet!Transcribed by Ron O'Dell, "The Mystic Mongoose" and Michael Jason Lewis
Lyrics from TAKE MY SIBLINGS, PLEASE (Episode 66)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.
The Hunk From Upumema (parody of The Girl From Ipanema)
Dot: Tall and dark and really handsome The hunk from Upumema's real dumb And when he strolls, each one he strolls by goes "Euuaaagheuulgh!"Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
Lyrics from PIGEON ON THE ROOF (Episode 67)
Musical score by Steve Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Deanna Oliver.
Scorsese (parody of Traditions)
Squit : As far back as I can remember, the Goodfeathers had the best perch in the neighborhood, because we perched on the statue of the greatest filmmaker in the world -- Scorsese! GoodFs: Scorsese... Scorsese! Cooooooooooo! Scorsese! [joined by the Girlfeathers; all repeat the verse] Squit : (spoken) Without the statue of Scorsese, our lives would be as slippery as ... a Pigeon on the Roof! [In silhouette, Pesto dances on a chimney, slips and falls in.] ---Egg-hatcher, Egg-hatcher (parody of Matchmaker, Matchmaker)
Sasha : This is the deal, Goodfeathers: We decided we wanna get married and be egg-hatchers. GoodFs: EGG-HATCHERS?? Pesto : You wanna be an egg-hatcher? Kiki : Uh huh -- an egg-hatcher. Kiki : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher I wanna be Perched on a nest So feathery. Lana : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher I'm in the mood To sit on on my tush And brood. Kiki : Oh, Pesto Ask me to marry. Lana : Oh, Bobby Say the word and we're wed. Sasha : Oh, Squit Coo! (whack!) Make a commitment. I want to be married before I'm dead. GirlFs: Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher Don't wanna date 'Cause marriage is best Build us a nest Don't make us wait We want eggs to incubate. GoodFs: Aaaaaagh!!! (they run away) ---If I Were the Godpigeon (parody of If I Were a Rich Man)
Pesto : A beakful of sand is not comical -- is that comical? Bobby : The Godpigeon thinks it's amusing; it's amusing -- ya know what I'm sayin'? Squit : That's one of the advantages of being Godpigeon, Pesto. [He and Bobby leave.] Pesto : Coo... I wish I was the Godpigeon. Pesto : If I were the Godpigeon Cooey cooey cooey fettucini cream sauce parmesan! All the time I'd "Huhyughyughi!" If I were the Godpigeon! Ba da bing! Birds would kiss my toesies Schmooey schmooey schmooey mustaccioli Vito Corleone! Lord, show them I wasn't born to lose Make me boss of all them pigie-poos I'd make offers no one can refuse If I were the Godpigeon! Yeah! Pesto : (spoken) Maybe I'll do a little COO d'etat and take over the flock. ---Coo Coo Quack (parody of Mazel Tov)
Pesto : I had a dream, and you were there, and YOU were there! Bobby : Alright already, Toto; tell us the dream. Pesto : OK OK OK OK OK OK. It started when I was perched out on a graveyard. Zombies: A feather on your head Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack! We are the grateful dead Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack! We feathered up a nest For our distinguished guest Hello, Godpigeon Pesto. [The zombie birds kiss Pesto's feet.] GoodFs : *"Godpigeon"?* Squit : You got it all wrong, zombies Bobby : He's just Pesto Squit : He's not Godpigeon, zombies Pesto : Although someday I hope to be. [The Godpigeon comes forth from his grave, a zombie.] GodP : *Cooooo! Bauuugh!* GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!* GodP : Umazeh booeyai! Zombies: He says "You croaked me!" GodP : Ahjehbahchaiheyah! Zombies: He says he's angry! (quack!) GodP : *Cooooo!* GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!* (thud!) ---Sasha, Squit (parody of Sunrise, Sunset)
Squit: Coo coo kachoo, Mrs Robinson. Sasha: What do you mean by that? Squit: Nothin'. Ahem. I want to tell you something. Squit: Sasha... Sasha: Squit... Squit: Sasha... Sasha: Squit... Squit: Time to get engaged. S+S : We'll share a roost And hatch a fam'ly Squit: Even though you are middle-aged. Sasha: (spoken) THAT'S IT! Are you sayin' I'm old? [thwack!] Is that what you're sayin'? [thwack!] Squit: Ow! Ow! [oof!] Hey! Sasha! I'm not sayin' that! [oof!] Sasha: I'll giva ya old! [thwack!] Upside the head! [thwack!] Scungili! [thwack!] ... Squit: What a relationship! [oof!] Come on! [oof!] ...Do You Want Me? (parody of Do You Love Me?)
Bobby: Looks like everybody's getting hooked up around here. Lana : Yeah... Bobby: Erm... Oh, Lana... Bobby: Do you want me? Lana : Do I -- huh? Bobby: Do you want me? Lana : Do I want him? The truth of it is He's mortified Petrified Terrified To say "I love you Be my bride I need you by my side" Bobby: Do you want me? Lana : Oh it's up to you. Bobby: Then ba da bing bip bip ba doo! B+L : OK, so we're betrothed It's no big coo. But the truth of it is I do want you. ---Regis Philbin (parody of Anatevka)
(the statue of Martin Scorsese has been replaced by another statue) Bobby : The Godpigeon says that it is a statue of Regis Philbin. Pesto : There is no way I am gonna sit on Regis Philbin's head! [The others mutter in accord.] All : Regis Philbin Regis Philbin On TV With Kathie Lee Regis Philbin GirlFs: We will not perch On that big goof. All : Regis Philbin Regis Philbin That bigshot Screams a lot Regis Philbin Pesto : I'd rather be a All : Pigeon on the Roof!Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
COO (Episode 67)
Music by Richard Stone.
Lyrics by Deanna Oliver.
Parody of Cool from West Side Story
Pesto: Would someone please explain what that was all about? That had to be the most confusing, mixed-up, cockamamie script I've ever read in my entire beakin' life! [Afazoul!?] Bobby: 'ey, 'o! Coo! Pesto! 'o! Coo down, bird! Bobby: Bird, bird Crazy bird Stay coo Bird! Beak it Buzz it Easy Does it. Turn off the juice Bird! Go, bird, go! But not like a dodo. Coo, bird! Play it coo, bird. Real coo. Pesto: Coo! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh ...Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
See also: West Side Pigeons
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