Lyrics from WITCH ONE (Episode 62)
by John P. McCann
Parodies of songs from Disney's Beauty and the Beast
The Judge (parody of Belle)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Judge : Good day, Sykes
Let's go hunt for witches
Dig them out
Of their secret niches
They could be cats or people
Which is up to me to say.
Good day!
Good day!
Good day!
Baker : The judge is happy when he hunts for a witch
Wife : He couldn't find one in a ditch
Shepherd: But if he thinks that you're a witch
Baker : He'll burn you up with pitch
BW+S : A dangerous jerk, the judge.
Judge : (spoken) Good morning, Witch!
Hazel : Err, me?
Judge : No, you old wombat -- the shopkeeper!
(Witch Hazel walks away, whistling nonchalantly)
Keeper : But, judge, you know me! I'm no witch!
Judge : I know you're holding a broomstick, and only witches
have broomsticks! Lougal, Taylor! Arrest him!
BW+S : So long, shopkeeper! Taking him was all wrong
We'll be accused before too long
Baker : Before the judge is done with that
Shepherd: He'll arrest a kitty cat
Judge : Cats are spirits of the Evil One
BW+S : Salem's really not much fun
We got troubles by the ton
From the judge!
---
There's Nothing Quite Like a Cat (parody of Gaston)
Rita : Who can hunt like a cat?
Not a dog or a bat
Who can stalk a big bird
Or a rat like a cat?
Other creatures, they're half as cunning
Slick as a greased-up snake
Go and watch any wolf or coyote
They can't find fish knee-deep in a lake.
Judge: Who hunts cats like the judge?
Witches' spawn, like the judge?
Those tools of the devil
Kitty cats, like the judge?
Rita : Who hunts like a cat?
Judge: I hunt down all cats!
Rita : We're keen so that's that
Judge: I hate them like rats!
Rita : There's nothing quite like...
R+J : ...a cat!
---
Still There's Me and You (parody of Beauty and the Beast)
Rita : So long, Salem, Mass.
Time to say bye-bye
I almost got drowned
Chased right out of town
Boy, did my fur fly.
Boston, here we come
Home of beans and tea
Maybe they need pets
Don't take any bets
Still, there's you and me.
Runt : (spoken) That sure was pretty, Rita. I hope we don't get sued.
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
Lyrics from THE WARNERS' 65th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL (Episode 65)
Musical score by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.
Warners
Music by Richard Stone and Paul Rugg.
Liza : For 65 years we've laughed at their mayhem
Here are the words we use to explain them:
(singer/dancers join Liza)
Yakko: (spoken at table) Uh oh. I was afraid of this.
Singers: Silly, bizarre, loony, mad, and kooky
Crazy, wigged out, giddy, bad, and goofy
Yakko, Wakko and Dot
They're hip; they're cool; they're hot.
(YW+D hurl)
Singers: They're Warners
Fabulous Warners
Wonderful Warners
Look out; the Warners are back!
(Singers drop Liza. Crowd applauds.)
Yakko: These people would clap at anything.
(Wakko gets an idea and climbs on table)
Wakko: Hey, everybody! Wanna hear me play Yankee Doodle with my armpits?
(Silence, apart from crickets)
Yakko: Ehhh, almost anything.
Singers: Yes, the Warners are back
They're really the most
Now here he is
Our fabulous host!
---
Buddy's Song
Buddy: I'm a-frolickin' in the outback
Just as chipper as I can be
Got no cares and got no worries
I'm happy Outback Buddy!
[later]
...
YW&D : Shh! (WHAM!) We smashed Outback Buddy!
[later]
...
YW&D : (WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!) We smashed Postman Buddy!
---
Make a Gookie (parody of Feelin' Groovy)
Wakko: Be cool and smell a flower
Make love, not war, and shower
Kiss the world, and be groovy
Go ahead and make a Gookie!
Y+D : Ba da ba da ba da ba
Make a Gookie
YW+D : Ba da ba da ba da ba
Make a Gookie!
---
Hurtin' Our Feet (parody of Stayin' Alive)
Disco: Ow, ow, ow, ow
Hurtin' our feet
Hurtin' our feet
Ow, ow, ow, ow
Hurtin' our feet!
It should be clear by the types of clothes we choose
We're disco kids with disco shoes
They may be cool; they may look neat
But wearing 'em sure hurts our feet
Ow, ow, ow, ow
Hurtin' our feet!
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell, "The Mystic Mongoose" and Michael Jason Lewis
Lyrics from TAKE MY SIBLINGS, PLEASE (Episode 66)
Music by Julie Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Paul Rugg.
The Hunk From Upumema (parody of The Girl From Ipanema)
Dot: Tall and dark and really handsome
The hunk from Upumema's real dumb
And when he strolls, each one he strolls by goes
"Euuaaagheuulgh!"
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
Lyrics from PIGEON ON THE ROOF (Episode 67)
Musical score by Steve Bernstein.
Lyrics and dialog by Deanna Oliver.
Scorsese (parody of Traditions)
Squit : As far back as I can remember, the Goodfeathers had the
best perch in the neighborhood, because we perched on
the statue of the greatest filmmaker in the world --
Scorsese!
GoodFs: Scorsese...
Scorsese!
Cooooooooooo!
Scorsese!
[joined by the Girlfeathers; all repeat the verse]
Squit : (spoken) Without the statue of Scorsese, our lives would be
as slippery as ... a Pigeon on the Roof!
[In silhouette, Pesto dances on a chimney, slips and falls in.]
---
Egg-hatcher, Egg-hatcher (parody of Matchmaker, Matchmaker)
Sasha : This is the deal, Goodfeathers: We decided we wanna get
married and be egg-hatchers.
GoodFs: EGG-HATCHERS??
Pesto : You wanna be an egg-hatcher?
Kiki : Uh huh -- an egg-hatcher.
Kiki : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
I wanna be
Perched on a nest
So feathery.
Lana : Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
I'm in the mood
To sit on on my tush
And brood.
Kiki : Oh, Pesto
Ask me to marry.
Lana : Oh, Bobby
Say the word and we're wed.
Sasha : Oh, Squit
Coo! (whack!) Make a commitment.
I want to be married before I'm dead.
GirlFs: Egg-hatcher, egg-hatcher
Don't wanna date
'Cause marriage is best
Build us a nest
Don't make us wait
We want eggs to incubate.
GoodFs: Aaaaaagh!!! (they run away)
---
If I Were the Godpigeon (parody of If I Were a Rich Man)
Pesto : A beakful of sand is not comical -- is that comical?
Bobby : The Godpigeon thinks it's amusing; it's amusing -- ya know
what I'm sayin'?
Squit : That's one of the advantages of being Godpigeon, Pesto.
[He and Bobby leave.]
Pesto : Coo... I wish I was the Godpigeon.
Pesto : If I were the Godpigeon
Cooey cooey cooey fettucini cream sauce parmesan!
All the time I'd "Huhyughyughi!"
If I were the Godpigeon! Ba da bing!
Birds would kiss my toesies
Schmooey schmooey schmooey mustaccioli Vito Corleone!
Lord, show them I wasn't born to lose
Make me boss of all them pigie-poos
I'd make offers no one can refuse
If I were the Godpigeon! Yeah!
Pesto : (spoken) Maybe I'll do a little COO d'etat and take over the flock.
---
Coo Coo Quack (parody of Mazel Tov)
Pesto : I had a dream, and you were there, and YOU were there!
Bobby : Alright already, Toto; tell us the dream.
Pesto : OK OK OK OK OK OK. It started when I was perched out on a graveyard.
Zombies: A feather on your head
Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!
We are the grateful dead
Coo coo quack! Coo coo quack!
We feathered up a nest
For our distinguished guest
Hello, Godpigeon Pesto.
[The zombie birds kiss Pesto's feet.]
GoodFs : *"Godpigeon"?*
Squit : You got it all wrong, zombies
Bobby : He's just Pesto
Squit : He's not Godpigeon, zombies
Pesto : Although someday I hope to be.
[The Godpigeon comes forth from his grave, a zombie.]
GodP : *Cooooo! Bauuugh!*
GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!*
GodP : Umazeh booeyai!
Zombies: He says "You croaked me!"
GodP : Ahjehbahchaiheyah!
Zombies: He says he's angry! (quack!)
GodP : *Cooooo!*
GoodFs : *Aaaaaaaaagh!* (thud!)
---
Sasha, Squit (parody of Sunrise, Sunset)
Squit: Coo coo kachoo, Mrs Robinson.
Sasha: What do you mean by that?
Squit: Nothin'. Ahem. I want to tell you something.
Squit: Sasha...
Sasha: Squit...
Squit: Sasha...
Sasha: Squit...
Squit: Time to get engaged.
S+S : We'll share a roost
And hatch a fam'ly
Squit: Even though you are middle-aged.
Sasha: (spoken) THAT'S IT! Are you sayin' I'm old? [thwack!]
Is that what you're sayin'? [thwack!]
Squit: Ow! Ow! [oof!] Hey! Sasha! I'm not sayin' that! [oof!]
Sasha: I'll giva ya old! [thwack!] Upside the head! [thwack!]
Scungili! [thwack!] ...
Squit: What a relationship! [oof!] Come on! [oof!] ...
Do You Want Me? (parody of Do You Love Me?)
Bobby: Looks like everybody's getting hooked up around here.
Lana : Yeah...
Bobby: Erm... Oh, Lana...
Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Do I -- huh?
Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Do I want him?
The truth of it is
He's mortified
Petrified
Terrified
To say "I love you
Be my bride
I need you by my side"
Bobby: Do you want me?
Lana : Oh it's up to you.
Bobby: Then ba da bing bip bip ba doo!
B+L : OK, so we're betrothed
It's no big coo.
But the truth of it is
I do want you.
---
Regis Philbin (parody of Anatevka)
(the statue of Martin Scorsese has been replaced by another statue)
Bobby : The Godpigeon says that it is a statue of Regis Philbin.
Pesto : There is no way I am gonna sit on Regis Philbin's head!
[The others mutter in accord.]
All : Regis Philbin
Regis Philbin
On TV
With Kathie Lee
Regis Philbin
GirlFs: We will not perch
On that big goof.
All : Regis Philbin
Regis Philbin
That bigshot
Screams a lot
Regis Philbin
Pesto : I'd rather be a
All : Pigeon on the Roof!
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
COO (Episode 67)
Music by Richard Stone.
Lyrics by Deanna Oliver.
Parody of Cool from West Side Story
Pesto: Would someone please explain what that was all about?
That had to be the most confusing, mixed-up, cockamamie script
I've ever read in my entire beakin' life! [Afazoul!?]
Bobby: 'ey, 'o! Coo! Pesto! 'o! Coo down, bird!
Bobby: Bird, bird
Crazy bird
Stay coo
Bird!
Beak it
Buzz it
Easy
Does it.
Turn off the juice
Bird!
Go, bird, go!
But not like a dodo.
Coo, bird!
Play it coo, bird.
Real coo.
Pesto: Coo!
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh ...
Transcribed by Ron O'Dell
See also: West Side Pigeons