One day, deep in the enchanted forest of yew , the five elemental adventurers met and discussed their travels. Air was the first to arrive as it was his idea. His name was Jay , and his familiar was a small swarm of bees that buzzed beside him. Next was Ethyl , the combustible lady of fire. She had been the spark that had got the idea going. At her side was a shy fox , as red as flame. Next was Sir Bob , the water sprite. He would give the meeting weight and depth. A fishbowl hovered next to him, filled with colorful koi . Peg was from the Earth. She set the stage. With her was a family of quail , living as one amongst the mighty trunks of the forest. After a short wait , Akasha the spirit of spirit materialized. This was in the form of a two-headed giant, astride an equally enormous bay horse. One head was named Sir Tony , and the other was Queen Jo . At the feet of their horse was a mutt , representing the mixture of all things.
Akasha spoke to them all: "Hail mighty guardians! You who represent me in this world!" the voices of Jo and Tony spoke as one. "Friends. Join me now. Tell me of your adventures. What have you brought me from your paths ?"
Peg stepped forward. "I am no bardic waxer ," She announced in a rye voice, "I state my case simply: I have traveled far over my Earth, but not in the proper ways. A car when I should have walked. A tab of acid when I should have really flown. I was with a van full of hippies for several years, wearing a fez , playing a uke , using drugs , and having zero clue about my realm. I was a lousy seer , not fit for my office. When I was put in jail it was a blessing in disguise. Akasha I bring you the pin with which I made my escape." And Peg gave the pin to the mutt, who had bounded over.
Sir Bob was next. "My tale is also an ugly one, I fear . Sitting on a quay , enjoying my ocean, I got whiff of a toxin in my water. Considerably riled and with jaw set I jumped in my boat and followed the toxin to its source, as I have zero tolerance for this sort of thing. I found the ship the was dumping the waste and fought the sailors solo . Then I saw their Captain - the thief ! - and my ire was so terrible that using my oar I hit him - clop ! - with a firm stroke and he did soar into my water." All of the elements clapped and cheered until Peg produced a sodden cloth , unwrapped its contents and presented the mutt with an ear , to give to Akasha.
Fiery Ethyl then stepped forward. "My story also has elements of incarceration and violence but it is neither redemptive like Earth, or vengeful like Waters. Mine is a tale of sin ." The other elements hooted and rolled their eyes until Akasha silenced the din with a nod . Ethyl continued, cool as a clot of whey . "Since the Equinox I have been laid out on a rack as two queens vied to see which could please me more. The devices they did use to gain my favor were numerous, from rads to a golf tee ." Here Ethyl's voice trailed off, her eyes got dreamy and just her aura spoke, in ranges from the universal om to ai , the call of the three toed sloth. Finally Akasha spoke to her . "Well? If thy story be vetted or not, go on!" Said the head named Sir Tony, And the head named Lady Jo chimed in with: Be quick! What in the name of Xu didst thou do?!" Ethyl came back to her senses. "What did I do? I was on a rack! Besides," She ad-libbed slyly to her kin , "When its all squish an' pow who wants to stop?" Akasha glared, and Ethyl straightened up. " So! I was in a tight jam, hard at it with a couple of tough nuts . But I escaped from their gay sex clique ."
"How did you do that?" the Spirit of Spirit asked jointly, and here Ethyl boldly approached Akasha directly. "By wearing them out and promising to return with a unique friend." Ethyl produced a single fig and gave it to Akasha directly. "A fig ", Ethyl said boldly, "the leaf of which is patently useless." She returned to her place in the circle.
" Ta ," said Akasha, by way of thanks. Delightfully rattled, Akasha next addressed Jay, who had been sitting serenely on the path as the others spoke. "And you, air spirit, what have you brought me?"
" Yo !" said Jay, and with the same serene smile produced a string of farts that was unequaled in all the worlds. " Oooo ", he said.
Akasha blanched and she and her horse and mutt disappeared. The bees dropped as one, like the gravity had been turned back on. The quail ran away with the fox, quickly putting a li of distance between them and the clearing. The koi went belly up in their bowl. And the other spirits turned heel and ran, shouting epitaphs in their wake.
"Sorry," Jay called after them. "Must have been something I et."
her is rads in you li at zero din path so xu thou van pow had in equinox et go vetted use yo neither be tee zero om an squish or he theif path ai ta ethyl tony jo queen bob peg queens jay sir me rile tab et waxer vie farts nod rack wait gain drug join use soar clop uke yew rye jaw clue fig car ear pin quay jail oar cloth ad fez whey bay nut clot van trunk fox bees quail mutt koi solo ire toxin firm kin fit fear ugly day sex gay clique seer quick sin
Angus McMahan
6/03 NYC