Ideas on Origins of Life

By Don Monkerud

On Monday President Bush admitted that he has his own ideas about the origins of life and they don't include evolution, saying schools should only teach theories about storks delivering babies and other ideas simple enough for the American people to understand.

Creationism, intelligent design and other theories are "way too complicated for most people" and scientific theories are "a bunch of hokum," the president told a group of school children waiting at the National Academy of Sciences in Washington for their teachers to return from the bathroom.

"My theories end where science begins and other stuff shows up out beyond Plutocracy and that other planet Youranus," Bush said. "The basis of our civilization is simple enough that most people can comprehend and believe as much as the best beliefs can be believed."

In a question-and-answer session with a group of carefully chosen Texas reporters, Bush appeared comfortable if a bit uneasy delving into questions that made him think too much.

Bush declined to take a stand on his personal views about "creationism" or "intelligent design," referring all questions to White House spokesman Scotty McFluffy, who explained that the president had forgotten many of his early childhood ideas. Bush attended Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass., a school for America's privileged elite, as well as visiting Midland, Texas, where boys his age played football for the Midland Lee Rebels and flew the Confederate flag as a team mascot until the 1990s.

Bush said that "creationism" is a good idea but that he first learned about storks bringing babies from holes in the ground when he was recovering from a Southern Baptist Church School in Massachusetts. "The Bible has some big ideas, but this one is bigger than my ranch," the president said. "Students should be exposed to many ideas but some ideas are better than others and need that guidance thing."

On Tuesday the president admitted that science is needlessly complex, which is why he relies on lobbyist from oil and drug conglomerates and other large donors to rewrite science reports for the White House to put them in a "more common sensual language."

"Creationism and intelligent design offer the advantage of an intelligent designer, someone up there with a plan and a big desk with a sign that says, 'the buck stops here,' although the stork idea is a good one too," the president said. "Part of education is to expose people to different schools, which proves something."

His conservative Christian supporters insisted that the White House weekly Bible study explained "intelligent design" to the president with pictures and charts, and the president's chief science advisor, John B. Hamburger the Fourth, said Bush "just didn't get it."

"The president has this stork idea in his head and it's hard to shake," laughed Hamburger. "Intelligent design is simply a better story than evolution. We will soon release a study showing that the Bible is the basis of our country, which is why we put the Ten Commandments in our court houses and all over public properties in the South."

Richard Lard, assistant-president at the Southern Baptist Convention, praised Bush's remarks and insisted that scientists have a liberal bias, which has no basis in science, and scientists should play no role in school science classes.

"They can't prove a thing," said Lard. "All they've got is theories and what good are theories?"

Advocates of intelligent design claim support from a group of 400 scientists who received Masters Degrees from NPR's Dr. Science ("I know more than you do because I have a Master's Degree in Science!). Organized by the Discovery Institute, a church-supported think tank in Seattle, these scientists reject the notion that their ancestors swung from trees and ate bananas.

"The fact is the Bible explains the origin of humans," said Steve Mayfly, director of the institute's Cultural War Center. "We have a new TV show hosted by Tammy Faye Baker that exposes Darwin as a stuffy Victorian."

Bush, who left Tuesday for an extended vacation at his Texas ranch, answered questions from Texas reporters, who pledged not to ask anything difficult. Deflecting, bantering and BS-ing his way through questions, the president said he doesn't care that most Americans don't share his views and he plans to declare victory and bring the troops home before the next election.

When asked about his promise to fire anyone in the White House who revealed the name of a CIA operative, the president responded with a chuckle, "How can I fire myself?"

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Cultural War Christians Rally Against Jesus on Supreme Court

Washington - Immediately upon Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announcing her retirement from the Supreme Court, leaders of right-wing groups began a flurry of activity including dinner parties, rounds of golf and cell phone conference calls, where participants complained about President Bush's intent to name his favorite philosopher, Jesus H. Christ, to the Supreme Court.

Last week, a delegation of GOP business lawyers led by Chef Boyardee Gray and former Attorney General Eddy "The Rat" Meese met with the White House chief of staff, Andy Screwball Jr., to warn that any appointment naming Mr. Christ would drive conservatives "straight up the wall."

Paul Milquetoast Wingnut, the conservative chairman of the Save Congress Foundation, warned White House Political Advisor Karl Rove against nominating Mr. Christ, whose liberal views on the poor and dispossessed are considered too radical and "out of step with America's religious values."

"We can't have a so-called champion of the poor on the Supreme Court," said Wingnut. "George Bush speaks to the Heavenly Father daily and appointing Jesus would only confuse the lines of communication."

The White House and a growing legion of GOP stalwarts insist that they are saviors of the poor after spending billions on "thought molding" think tanks such as the Heretic Foundation and the Hoover Institute of Depression. Poor middle-class voters with declining living standards are in total agreement with the GOP and their programs of "tax fairness" for the wealthy, minimum wage combat pay for Iraqi military service, and the elimination of the inheritance "death tax" on billionaires.

"Our supporters care little about economic issues," said Karl Rove. "They are more concerned about who wins the NASCAR races and their next two-day vacation five years from now. Soon we will convince them that vacations unfairly hobble business and contribute to laziness and drug addiction."

A radical appointment such as Mr. Christ to the Supreme Court would require reworking the GOP's public relations message, which took three decades and $500 billion. President Bush warned supporters not to expect too much, as he left for a European vacation to gather support for the U.S. occupation of Iraq, which he compares to Washington crossing the Delaware.

Meanwhile, Bush's conservative supporters took lengthy lobbyist-supported vacations and stuffed themselves with filet mignon, caviar and martinis while plotting ways to shift Federal taxes to working people and establish new businesses to tap Social Security funds. "Currently these funds are not available to the income stream of wealthy corporations," said an administration official. "Social Security funds need to become a profit center for American business."

One official said that Attorney General Gottcha Gonzales would be a good nominee because he does what he's told and promotes torturing prisoners. "He's a prime candidate for what the GOP has in store for the U.S.," said the official, although Bush has declined to list Gonzales as a candidate.

President Bush spent his mini-vacation showing off his golf swing, modeling military uniforms and consulting with Condoleezza Rice, his most intimate advisor. A senior administration official admitted that the two spent "an awful lot of time together," but denied rumors that the president "has anything going with Condi."

Several White House advisors admitted that potential jurists included Grover Nerdquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform for the Rich; Phyllis Snoot Schlafly, who wants to put women back in the kitchen; and John Deathsquad Negroponte, currently setting up secret spy networks in the U.S.

Conservatives close to the White House said that they had utter confidence that the president wouldn't consider Mr. Christ for the court because he refuses to discriminate against Jews, his chosen people; gays, a number of whom were among his disciples; and accepts fallen women, one of whom he married after being crucified. According to confidential sources, the president favors a judge in the mold of Tony Scalia, who believes in executing petty criminals, or Dopey Thomas, who spends most of his time on the bench napping.

"Jesus is way too old for this post," said Utah Republican Orrin Gutterball Hatch, a veteran senator who supports the return of slavery, outlawing divorce laws, and recently recommended his six-year-old nephew for the court so he could serve "for a long time." Breaking with fellow conservatives, Hatch promised in an interview that if he were nominating a Supreme Court justice, he would pick a strong leader rather than "some wimp like Jesus."

"Jesus may be an excellent human being," Hatch said. "But we need someone on the Supreme Court who will stand up for homophobes, authoritarian men and the rich. Jesus is way too wishy-washy."

Staff Writers Joe Sixpax and Duke Knucklehead contributed to this article.

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Copyright 2005

Fairy Teaching Hearings Conclude

Topeka, Kansas - Hearings held to determine how the existence of fairies should be taught in public schools in Kansas ended Friday after bitter arguments over the personal habits and grooming of local fairies.

The reactionary Board of Education plans to decide within the next few weeks whether fairies are green, blue, yellow or can be any color of the rainbow, before deciding how to direct the state schools to teach about fairies. The question is essential, claims School Board President Joe Clueless, to whether evolution, reproduction and other "outlandish" theories can be taught on an equal footing in public schools.

"We aren't the butt of jokes across the nation for nothing," said Clueless. "And we aren't about to give up our position without a fight."

The School Board will almost certainly declare that gravity is only a theory, that babies come from holes in the ground and that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are based upon American's strong belief system. An essential question, and one that Kansas have the largest disagreement with since pre-Civil War days, when they fought over the question of slavery, remains the appearance and personal habits of fairies.

A majority of the board will almost certainly adapt a declaration proclaiming that fairies are blue and were put on earth to serve human masters, although the Board may stop short of requiring children to pass a test on the question before graduating. Fairy advocates say they are not trying to replace "true-blue beliefs" with Fairy Dust, but need students to recognize the importance of fairies in daily life.

John Blowhard, a retired smut peddler from Texas, complained of personal attacks by fairy advocates on both the left and the right. The NRA and the Baptist church accuse fairy advocates of promoting homosexuality, tolerance and open mindedness, while Kansas Democrats fear that Kansas will become the butt of national jokes. Blowhard refused to eat or sleep in Topeka after complaining that his top hat and vampire cape were intentionally soiled, causing him to miss a ride provided by the Holy Roman Catholic Church's local "Popemobile."

The Baptists rescued Blowhard with their fully armor-plated Humvee and a platoon of gun toting preachers. A sign on the Baptist Humvee called for recognition of the First Church of the Beloved 45, a national campaign begun by the NRA for acceptance as an official religion. The NRA and the Southern Baptists are joining in an effort to scrutinize schools in Kansas for any gay clubs, diversity training or anti-bullying that would "zap the moral timber" of students, according to Blowhard.

"We are making an aggressive effort to defend our right to pick on gays," said Rev. Huddie Brillcream, a Christian writer from the Houston suburb of Deviousville. "A meat-eating, gun totting, tight sphincter lifestyle is the traditional American way, and we won't accept any limitations."

Blowhard spent days attacking language in the proposed acceptance of fairies in the curriculum, although witnesses for the defense of fairies did not appear at the hearing. "We have absolutely no responsibility to give the children of Kansas any education except the one we see as fit," said Blowhard. "They have to learn the facts of life the same way we did, with a little help from the fairies."

State groups in favor of more science in the curriculum pointed out that just because 90 percent of Americans can't explain science, they weren't born dumb. "The fact that Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush are for pushing the First Lady's Millionaire Red Dress Collection and ignoring J. Edgar Hoover's love of red dresses and red shoes, proves there is a conspiracy against fairies," said Leon Fillbutt, CEO of Undergarments International.

Fillbutt warned that unless the role of fairies in American life are accepted, "just like the Easter Bunny," Christians will withdraw their students from public schools and teach them at home. If that happens, said Fillbutt, "you don't know what dumb is."

To avoid controversy, Dumbnutter Institute in Seattle proposes to redefine science as "anything we think it is."

"Scientists have controlled the discourse over science long enough," said Johnny Donothing, president of Dumbnutter. "In all fairness, we need to give others a chance at setting the school curriculiation and deciding what our children learn as fact so they can separate fact from fiction, fantasy, ecstasy and any other speedy way of coming to grips with our world."

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Copyright 2005

Bring Your Guns to Church

The recent shooting of seven people in a church in Wisconsin has gun supporters frothing at the mouth. Similar to the dog and pony show after Columbine High School - where the National Rifle Association (NRA) defended American's right to own guns - the church shooting prompted a Wisconsin Republican candidate for attorney general to declare that the shooting could have been prevented if only the parishioners were armed.

"If the person you're fighting has a gun and all your have is your fists, you lose," said candidate Paul Bucher, in a bit of homespun wisdom.

Bucher's comments come as the NRA and Republicans are developing a nationwide push to change concealed weapons laws across the country. Examples of Columbine High School, the high school shootings on the Red Lake Indian Reservation and even the shooting of a judge's family in Chicago - although it's difficult to see how arming the victims could have prevented any of these cases - are cited as evidence of a national emergency that requires immediate action.

After the Wisconsin shootings, NRA Vice President Sandra Froman offered the brilliant suggestion that all schoolteachers carry guns. Seldom does the NRA, and increasingly the Republican Party, find a problem that can't be solved by gunfire. She admitted that nothing could have prevented the attack, but she was compelled to find a reason to arm more people.

Before rejecting the idea of arming every citizen in America as outlandish and stupid, we should pause to think. The suggestion has merit that should be given serious consideration.

How many people recall a particular schoolteacher with dread, apprehension or downright hatred, even after leaving high school? Why should schoolteachers be allowed to carry guns and not the students? Better to work out the hostility while you are still in high school than carry it with you for years. And what about the school bully? Perhaps President Bush should consider blending his "ownership society" with his "No Child Left Behind" program and provide free guns to schools.

Once we start down this road, more opportunities pop up like ducks in a shooting gallery. How much money could the Catholic Church have saved if all those boys molested by Catholic priests were armed? Firearms could help solve many common everyday problems such as the driver who cuts you off on the freeway, or the woman who crowded in front of you at the grocery store line. The prospects for instant problem solving with firearms offers a fine solution for a nation that loves simple solutions to complex problems.

Churches cry out for concealed weapons. Only the meanest bar harbors more dishonesty and hypocrisy than a church. A firearm could have ended the suspense of the pope dying much sooner and avoided the use of a brain feeding tube in the ailing pontiff.

Solutions in Congress offer endless possibilities. Of course, it's against the law to advocate shooting the president, but what about the vice president and the neocons? More likely, the GOP would shoot all the liberals as right-wing religious radio commentators are advocating. Or think of our pious national figures such as William Bennett and his gambling addiction, Rush Limbaugh and his drug addiction, George Bush and his cocaine and alcohol addictions. All excellent candidates for carriers of conceal weapons!

Few cultures in the world worship firearms more than Americans do. In 1995, the U.S. Department of Justice estimated that we owned 223 million weapons and, adding the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms estimate of yearly increase, there will be 270 million firearms in the U.S. by 2005.

The number of firearms will only increase because the issue of gun control is dead with GOP control of all three branches of the federal government. A federal ban on assault weapons expired last fall and there's no support in Congress to reintroduce it. Citizens are now free to buy machine guns and other rapid-fire arms such as the AR-15, which fires 800 bullets a minute.

A recent Government Accounting Office study reveals that even listed terrorists in FBI databases have no problem buying guns in the good ol' USA. Any effort to monitor gun buying is denounced as a Gestapo tactic by the NRA, which supports our sacred right to be armed to the teeth for any eventuality.

The Harris Poll reports that the number of Americans wanting stricter gun control fell from 69 percent in 1998 to 52 percent in 2004, and only 1 percent considered it an important issue in the 2004 presidential race. Today 35 states allow concealed weapons: five states eased laws on concealed weapons since 2003. Arizona and Tennessee allow guns in bars, Georgia allows them in restaurants, Texas allows attorneys to carry guns in court and Florida allows them in churches.

Such statistics show that Americans love their guns and want to carry them everywhere. We are a peaceful, law-abiding nation until someone crosses our path then we reach for our guns. Maybe our only hope is that voiced by the NRA -people don't kill people, guns do. Does this make anyone feel safer?

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Copyright 2005