It is the FUTURE! Although I am no older than I am now. (Which is plenty old enough, thank you.) I am doing a favor for a friend: traveling from Cucamonga to Huntington Beach to deliver her car to her. I am annoyed by this, but resolved.
To get to Interstate 10 from my old neighborhood in Rancho Kook the best way to go is to take Haven Avenue, a four lane straight shot that runs from the freeway to Chaffey College, my alma mater. But now Haven is a 16 lane freeway itself. I merge and find the middle of the 8 lanes going my way. Traffic if heavy and stop and go. I sigh, feeling sorry for myself.
I am driving a silver, cross strap, open toed, pump. In fact everyone is driving shoes of one type or another. Cross-trainers, sandals, cowboy boots, each with a head and shoulders sticking out of the top, gripping a steering wheel. I am embarrassed by my sexy party pump, clearly not a guy car.
School buses are tall boots with the children stacked vertically. Tractor trailer rigs are even bigger, over the knee boot, size 24 (meters), with the driver swaying high in the sky. I am listening to a demo from the band They Might Be Giants. The Johns, with a violin accompaniement, were singing a song entitled "My Son Is a Chicken By the Side of the Road". Each car has its own force field around it, which acts as a windscreen and also allows each person's musical selections to stay within the bubble of that particular car. The forcefield is variable however, should you want some ventilation, and if you should want something from outside your shoe.
Like a drink. In the future I10 (which I am now on) is a beta freeway, where new design features are tested. This month it is the Snack Overpass. Still being fine-tuned, but already very popular. The Snack Overpass is a high speed bridge that spans the entire freeway and senses where and when a traffic stoppage will occur. When it sees taillights it zooms to the slowing on greased rails, like a train. When the cars stop the snack overpass opens for business.
Spotlights find each driver and passenger in their shoes and shine down on them. If you have no pressing needs just look ahead and the overpass light will pass you by. But if you want something you just look up and say what it is you need. lip reading cameras take your order, retina scanners charge your credit card. Then the item is dropped from the overpass, through the variable forcefield and (hopefully) caught by the customer. I was new to the Snack Overpass and so was distracted by the shower of water bottles, batteries, memory cards, CDs, and so on, that fell from the retail bridge over our heads. When the light shined on my face I had not decided what drink I wanted, so I just said "random". A second later a can was ejected in my direction. I caught it just as traffic started up again. Putting it into the plastic drink holder quickly I shifted back into drive and eased my silver pump forward.
Glancing over at my drink a few moments later I realized that the Overpass had taken me literally. The can of soda was morphing every five seconds or so into another brand of drink. Colas, Coffees, Sports Drinks, Caffeine Buzzers, Wine Coolers and exotic waters all passed by, each dissolving into the next, as the labels and shapes of the containers morphed as well. I was fascinated by my purchase and more than a little afraid. Was it supposed to be doing this, or was this part of the beta testing? Would it decide on one finally? Was there something I was supposed to do? I looked behind me, but the Snack Overpass was far behind me, waiting for the next slowdown.
The can/bottle/carton continued to transmogrify at regular intervals. What happened if it changed while I was drinking it? Would iced tea instantly become hot chocolate? But before I could think of any more scenarios, my drink changed into a half-gallon of milk, which could not fit into the drink holder, and so it exploded. My shoe, or rather my friends shoe, was coated in a fine film of milk, and my mood was complete. Luckily traffic slowed again, (here came the snack overpass, right on cue) and I could assess my situation.
While I was wiping milk off my face and rubbing it off the controls of the shoe, an idea hit me, like a lightbulb over my head: "Why not just shrink the shoecar down and email it to my friend," I said to myself, "thereby saving me all of this hassle?" The Snack Overpass thought this was a great idea. Suddenly my car began to shrink, and in a few seconds had disappeared, leaving me standing in the middle of the freeway with milk dripping off me. The car behind me, a low, pointy-toed Italian job, ran me over and I woke up.
Back to the land of Dreams.