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Lyrics by Randy Rogel.

Sung to the William Tell Overture by Gioacchino Rossini.

Verses preceded by an asterisk (*) are original lyrics heard on the Variety Pack album, replaced on television by the previous listed verse.

Yakko: Heigh ho, do you know
       The names of the U.S. residents
       Who then became the presidents
       And got a view from the White House loo
       Of Pennsylvania Avenue?
Wakko: George Washington was the first, you see
       He once chopped down a cherry tree
Dot  : President number two would be
       John Adams and then number three
* Yakko: George Washington was the first, you see
*        He once chopped down a cherry tree
* Dot  : President number two would be
*        John Adams and then number three

Yakko: Tom Jefferson stayed up to write
       The Declaration late at night
       So he and his wife had a great big fight
       And she made him sleep on the couch all night
* Yakko: Tom Jefferson stayed up to write
*        The Constitution late at night
*        So he and his wife had a great big fight
*        And she made him sleep on the couch all night

Wakko: James Madison never had a son
       And he fought the War of 1812
Dot  : James Monroe's colossal nose
       Was bigger than Pinocchio's
Yakko: John Quincy Adams was number six
       And it's Andrew Jackson's butt he kicks
       So Jackson learns to play politics
       Next time he's the one that the country picks
Dot  : Martin Van Buren, number eight
       For a one-term shot as Chief of State
Yakko: William Harrison, how do you praise?
       That guy was dead in thirty days
Wakko: John Tyler, he liked country folk
Dot  : And after him came President Polk
Yakko: Zachary Taylor liked to smoke
       His breath killed friends whenever he spoke
Wakko: Eighteen fifty, really nifty
       Millard Fillmore's in
Yakko: Young and fierce was Franklin Pierce
       The man without a chin
Dot  : Follows next a period spannin'
       Four long years with James Buchanan
       Then the South starts shootin' cannon
       And we've got a civil war
YW+D : A war, a war down south in Dixie
Yakko: Up to bat comes old Abe Lincoln
Dot  : There's a guy who's really thinkin'
Wakko: Kept the United States from shrinkin'
       Saved the ship of state from sinkin'
Dot  : Andrew Johnson's next
       He had some slight defects
Wakko: Congress each
       Would impeach
Dot  : And so the country now elects
Yakko: Ulysses Simpson Grant
       Who would scream and rave and rant
Wakko: While drinking whiskey
       Although risky
       'Cause he'd spill it on his pants
Yakko: It's eighteen seventy-seven
       And the Democrats would gloat
       But they're all amazed when Rutherford Hayes
       Wins by just one vote
Dot  : James Garfield, someone really hated
       'Cause he was assassinated
Wakko: Chester Arthur gets instated
       Four years later, he was traded
Dot  : For Grover Cleveland, really fat
       Elected twice as a Democrat
       Then Benjamin Harrison; after that
       It's William McKinley up to bat
Yakko: Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill
Wakko: And President Taft, he got the bill
Yakko: In 1913 Woodrow
YW+D :                 Wil...
       ...son takes us into World War One
Yakko: Warren Harding next in line
Dot  : It's Calvin Coolidge; he does fine
Wakko: And then in nineteen twenty-nine
       The market crashes, and we find

* Yakko: Warren Harding, he does fine
* Dot  : It's Calvin Coolidge next in line
* Wakko: And then in nineteen twenty-nine
*        The market crashes, and we find
Yakko: It's Herbert Hoover's big debut
       He gets the blame and loses to
Dot  : Franklin Roosevelt, president who
       Helped us win in World War Two
Wakko: Harry Truman, weird little human
       Serves two terms and when he's done
Yakko: It's Eisenhower who's got the power
       From fifty-three to sixty-one
Dot  : John Kennedy had Camelot
       Then Lyndon Johnson took his spot
Yakko: Richard Nixon, he gets caught
       And Gerald Ford fell down a lot

* Dot  : John F. Kennedy, he gets shot
*        So Lyndon Johnson takes his spot
* Yakko: Richard Nixon, he gets caught
*        And Gerald Ford fell down a lot
Wakko: Jimmy Carter liked campaign trips
Yakko: And Ronald Reagan's speeches' scripts
       All came from famous movie clips
       And President Bush said "read my lips"
Dot  : Now in Washington D.C.
Wakko: There's Democrats and the G.O.P.
Yakko: But the ones in charge are plain to see
Dot  : The Clintons, Bill and Hillary

* Dot  : Now in Washington D.C.
* Wakko: There's Democrats and the G.O.P.
* Yakko: But the one in charge is plain to see
* Dot  : It's Clinton, first name Hillary
Yakko: The next President to lead the way
       Well, it just might be yourself one day
       Then the press'll distort everything you say
YW+D : So jump in your plane and fly away
Transcribed by Steve Kramer

Music and lyrics by Randy Rogel.

MissF: Yakko...
Yakko: Yes, Miss Flamiel?
MissF: I want you to multiply 47 times 83.
Yakko: Sounds like a song cue to me!
MissF: No it doesn't.
Yakko: Oh yes it does.  HIT IT, (Maury?)!

Yakko: Seven times three is twenty-one
       Which as you know is just two tens plus one
       And so we put the one right here
       And we carry the two one left
       To the top of the ten's place right next door
       And we put it on top of the number four
       Which is really four tens that we multiply
       Times three in the one's place, and that's why
       We now have twelve, which we add to the two
       That we carried to get fourteen.
       See how easy that was?
       Oh ho, it's multiplication
       It's math education
       Hey, Albert Einstein said that it's so easy to do
       It's simple, it's breezy
       It's fun and it's easy
       Just buy a calculator; you can multiply too.
       And now, the second digit...
       Seven times eight is fifty-six
       Which as you know is just five tens plus six
       And so we put the six right here
       In the ten's place, left of the one
       Carry the five, like we did before
       To the top of the ten's place, next to the four
       Then multiply that four times eight
       To get thirty-two, see isn't this great?
       Then we add the five that we carried before
       To get thirty-seven, then add once more
       Straight down to get three thousand, nine hundred and one.
       Isn't this swell?
       Oh, let's give multiplication
       A standing ovation
       Isaac Newton multiplied a couple times, too
       Times two, times two, times two
       It's simple, it's breezy
       It's fun and it's easy
       So buy a calculator
       And study this stuff later
       Maybe someday you can multiply numbers too
       Three, four, five
Transcribed by Steve Kramer

Lyrics from THE SOUND OF WARNERS (Episode 78)
by Paul Rugg

Burbank (parody of The Sound of Music)

Nanny: There's no place on earth
       That is quite like Burbank
       Fall under its spell
       And you can't resist
       The sights and the sounds
       And the smells of Burbank
       There's so much to see
       That it's hard to list.
       Just look over there at that lizard
       On the hot asphalt
       As it tries to cool its feet
       And see all the buildings
       That are beige and brown
       It's the same on every street
       The friendly people
       Always wave and smile
       As they drive from here to there
       And up in the sky
       Smog hangs like a chocolate eclair!
       Oh! Burbank, I'm here
       In your wondrous bosom
       I'm pinching myself
       Have my dreams come true?
       Oh, B-U-R-B-A-N-K
       Spells 'Burbank'
       Burbank, I love you!
What Do You Do With Children Like Us Warners?
(parody of How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?)
Nanny: Oh, come now. The children can't possibly be as beastly as all that.
DrSns: They're not; they're worse.
DrSns: They put termites in my pants
       Filled my coffee cup with ants
       Then they shoved some macaroni up my nose
Ralph: Up his nose!
Nurse: Always giving me a kiss
Ralph: They sneak up on me like this
DrSns: Ate my toupee
Nurse: And my lipstick
Ralph: And my clothes!
Nurse: They pop out of cookie jars
Ralph: Slide a drawer and there they ares
DrSns: I once found them whirling round inside my ear
Ralph: Inside his ear!
SR+N : There is nowhere they can't hide
Ralph: Eats a doughnut; they's inside
SR+N : They're too crazy
       They're too zany
YW+D :            ...right here!
YW+D : Oh, what do you do with children like us Warners?
       What do you do to get us to obey?
Dot  : We're really not so bad
Wakko: If not just lightly mad
Yakko: We can't help it if we like to play!
YW+D : Oh, what do you do with children like us Warners?
Wakko: What do you do with eggs at a buffet?
(Y+D stare)
Wakko: It rhymed...
Poison Oak (parody of Edelweiss)
Nanny: That bush you went in must have been poison oak.
DrSns: Agh! Poison oak?!
Nanny: Oh, do let's sing about it!
DrSns: About my poison oak??
Nanny: Yes! Let's!
DrSns: (to YW+D) I think she's crazy.
YW+D : Duh!
Nanny: Poison oak
       Poison oak
       Makes you itch if you catch it
(Yakko: Is there a point to this cartoon?)
(Dot  : I dunno, but we're still getting paid.)
(YW+D : Ka-ching!)

Nanny: Skin turns red
       Blisters spread
       Spread the more that you scratch it
       Chafing and stinging
       The itch gets worse
       Itch gets worse
       It's burning
N+Sns: Poison oak
       Poison oak
       For days to come you'll be hurting.
When I Am Afraid (parody of My Favorite Things)
Nanny: You know, whenever I'm scared like you, I ponder all the things
       that make me feel warm and squeezy inside.
Wakko: You're not gonna sing again, are you?
Nanny: Uh huh!
Nanny: Ahhh...
YW+D : Ugh...
Nanny: Fun Bob Hope specials and Spam on the griddle
       Small bouncing babies with long strands of spittle
       Mary Hart-Tesh; Shriners in a parade
       That's what I ponder when I am afraid.
       Paintings of children with really huge eyeballs
       Big chubby cats as they cough up their hairballs
       Paul Harvey's head; Crushing bugs with a spade
       That's what I ponder when I am afraid.
       Fuzzy slippers
       Leonard Maltin
       And those Olsen twins
       Just ponder these thoughts
       When fear has you ensnared
       Your frowns will turn into grins!
Grumpy Chicken (parody of Lonely Goatherd)
Nanny: Deep in the valley
       A grumpy chicken
       Buck buck buck!
Eat All Your Oatmeal (parody of Climb Every Mountain)
Nanny: Breakfast time! Yummy oatmeal for Dit, Wikki and Petey Pie!
YW+D : Yuck!
Yakko: To be honest, we don't do oatmeal.
Nanny: "Don't do oatmeal"? But it's the most wonderful, most delicious,
       and, oh my, most wholesome breakfast food in the whole wide world!
       Why, you simply must...
Nanny: Eat all your oatmeal
       Chew every bite
(Yakko: Now!)
(YW+D rush off)
Nanny: Lumpy, clumpy oatmeal
       Makes you feel just right.
(YW+D burst in with bass drums)
YW+D : We had a little doggy
       We used to call him Fred
       But now we call him nothing
       The reason is: he's dead!
(Yakko: That ought to make her mad.)
Nanny: When I think of oatmeal
       It makes my heart throb
(Dot  : [to Yakko] You were saying...?)
Nanny: Every small gooey drop
       Every big steamy glob
(YW+D rush in with guitars and western clothes)
YW+D : Who put a rat in Marvin's bed?
       Who put a spike through Norman's head?
       Who oh who is doin' all these thangs?
       Yee haw!
Nanny: Eat all your oatmeal
       Just shove it in
(YW+D fire a cannon)
Nanny: Lumpy, clumpy oatmeal
(Wakko uses a pneumatic drill; Yakko plays a trumpet; Dot plays cymbals)
Nanny: Makes your colon grin!
(YW+D crash in on their train 49 as the song ends)
Nanny: That was wonderful! You children certainly know how to brighten
       up a song!
Dot  : Aren't you mad at us for ruining your singing?
Wakko: I'd say we deserve a spanking, right on our fanny!
YW+D : Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!
Nanny: I'd say you deserve a picnic! I'll go get the basket!

by Gordon Bressack and Charles Howell IV

YW+D  : The censors all protest
        'Cause she's practically undressed
        The cartoon vamp
Dot   : She's a tramp
Y+W   : Helloooo, Googi!
Extras: The city is a happy place
Mailbx: 'Cause everything has a face
Car   : You can always find a parking space
Extras: But beware the big bad wolf!
Yakko : The way she kisses is uncanny
        She ain't nothin' like your granny
        She's the girl the censors want to ban-y
Googi : Call me Googi -- Googily Goop!

Wakko : Watch her do her flapper dancin'
        Her look is totally entrancin'
Censor: In cartoons there's no romancin'
Googi : Just call me Googi -- Googily Goop! Ooh!

Yakko : Heidi Heidi Heidi Fleiss!
Extras: Heidi Heidi Heidi Fleiss!
Dot   : Hedy Hedy Lamarr.
Extras: Hedy Hedy Lamarr.
Wakko : Yehudi Menuhin!
Extras: Yehudi Menuhin!
Moon  : Yo-Yo Ma.
Extras: Yo-Yo Ma.
Dot   : Never seen a dress so purty
Wolf  : Cartoon girls are much too flirty
Yakko : What do you want -- it's 1930
Googi : Call me Googi...
G,D+Gm:                  ...Googily Goop!

GUNGA DOT (Episode H2)
Musical score by Julie Bernstein.
Words by Randy Rogel.

Voice : From Karachi to Botswana
        They all tell the story, bwana
        Of the desert where the ground is burning hot.
        Of the wind that cracks the stones
        Where the sun'll bleach your bones
        And the legend there that's known as Gunga Dot.
        It was back in '22
        We were west of Katmandu
        On the Afghan border headed towards Bombay.
        We were traveling out of (??)
        On an elephant safari
        When I heard the cry...
Marita: ...We're out of Perrier!
        Oh, Flavio, is it true?
Flavio: We're out of Crystal Geyser too
        And all that sparkling water Evian we brought.
Marita: It isn't right; it isn't nice
Flavio: We are also out of ice
F+M   : Come and help us, please, O Gunga Dot!
BP+S  : Yo, Dot, Dot, Dot
Pesto : We're dying here; it's hot
Bobby : Bring some water...
Squit : ...and some big electric fans.
Plotz : Boy, the service here just stinks
Y+W   : Hurry up there with our drinks
Dot   : Hey, relax, you jerks; I've only got two hands!
Slappy: It's a hundred in the shade
        And I'm out of lemonade
Ralph : I'd like more ice cream so just bring me all you got.
Nurse : You know, I think it's getting hotter
DrSns : Why don't you bring us all more water?
PlYWRaSlSns+N: And do it on the double, Gunga Dot!
Voice : Two mice about to lunge
        With a huge gigantic sponge
        At the river where the violent waters swirled.
Brain : All right, Pinky; now we've got 'er
        We'll capture all the water
        Then you and I can take over the world!
Voice : He pulled the lever on that sponge
        And they watched it take the plunge
        As it filled with water, both of them just smirked.
        And they lifted it with care
        High up into the air
Pinky : Congratulations, Brain; you see it worked!
[sponge rattles]
(Pinky : Hmm, what's that sound?)
[sponge falls; water spills]
(P+B   : Whoa!!!)
Voice : Meanwhile, for Gunga Dot
        The crowd was getting hot
        She ran this way; she ran that way on the fly.
Ralph : This Kool-Aid isn't cool
Skippy: We need some water in the pool
Dot   : Hold your horses...
Mindy : ...OK, I love you; now bye bye!
[Mindy accidentally knocks Buttons into the empty pool]
Runt  : Rita, look! It's an oasis!
Rita  : Just be quiet or they'll chase us
Runt  : I'm hot here, Rita -- definitely, definitely hot.
Newt  : I'd like a cold refreshing drink
        For myself and for the mink
Dot   : Well, you'll have to stand in line for Gunga Dot.
Voice : They called for water everywhere
Nurse : Yes, I'd like to wash my hair
Plotz : I want to shave...
Yakko : ...We want a wave...
YWN+Pl: ...So get us wet!
Voice : And though she'd worked this job for months
        With people talking all at once
        Gunga Dot was just about to get upset.
Dot   : So you want to be real wet
        That's exactly what you'll get
        I'll tell you what; here comes a big surprise.
        You want your pool; you want your shower
        I live inside a water tower
        So why don't you try this gusher on for size?
[P+B crawl out of the river]
(Pinky : You know, Brain, it's funny, but I'm feeling thirsty.)
(P+B   : Waaagh!)
(Y+W   : Cowabunga!)
(Skippy: All right!)
[Mindy giggles while Buttons swims]
Voice : Yes, she pulled that little lever
        Seemed like water came forever
        And there's not a spot they say it didn't reach.
        And after all of that commotion
        She had formed the Indian Ocean
        Where everyone now lounges on the beach.
Voice : So when beneath a desert sky
        If your canteen's running dry
        And you need someone who's Johnny-on-the-spot,
        You can be her clientele
Dot   : But you'd better tip me well
All-D : You're a better one than we are, Gunga Dot!

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